{Barbies}

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater SLC market. (I may or may-not find these ridiculously funny...but I love everyone!)

*Park City Barbie*

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.


*Draper Barbie*

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


*Kearns Barbie*

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, and a Chevy with dark tinted windows. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bils) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.


*East Bench Barbie*

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


*Riverton Barbie*

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.


*Emigration Canyon Barbie*

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescriptions available as well as newly built high rise condos.


*Tooele Barbie*

This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


*The Avenues Barbie*

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Avenues Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


*West Valley Barbie*

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


*Provo Barbie*

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings.


Just as a little side note---A few weeks ago I was helping a cute little two-year-old boy named Lennon, and his mom at Primary's. I didn't notice but Lennon had dropped his toy and started screaming and crying his head off. His mom finished signing something and reached over to get it and it was an Edward doll. She just said he really loves the Edward doll and wonders if it's a sign of things to come.

It was really REALLY funny.

I hope this made you smile :)

-J